If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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