Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
