he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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