I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
my sisters under your porch take her home
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
