I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
