the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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