Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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