a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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