smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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