I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
