i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
