...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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