my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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