I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
