i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
