I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
you had me at cake vodka
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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