Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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