the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
