ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
