The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
