alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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