Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
