You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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