i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
