Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
