Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
