Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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