im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
