wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
