Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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