We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
