this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
