You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
