god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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