Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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