So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
