cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
