You're my little dorito
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
