If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
