We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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