There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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