I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
