On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
