My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
