"it" just moved
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
