Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We were destined to go to rehab together
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
