the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
you had me at cake vodka
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
