there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
