I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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