someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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