if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
