I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
