He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
