OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
