I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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