just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
