I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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